Well, I finally decided to do something drastic: nuke everybody's memories, package them, un-package them using Clean Installer, and move them into a new neighborhood. This took an agonizingly slow time to accomplish, but everyone is finally in a neighborhood that moves faster than frozen molasses.
I'll have to rehook people who're related, but oh, well. The resulting amnesia been kinda fun, too - I have my elders wanting to have their First Kiss. Sure brings up the Aspiration meter in a hurry.